STOP TALKING ABOUT ME IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK TO ME.

what i'll never understand is how amanda, her mom, and my mom expect me NOT to operate at my FULLEST CAPABILITY and just rely on social security. amanda.. would YOU like to be forced to rely on SOCIAL SECURITY and give up EVERYTHING YOU WORKED YOUR ASS OFF FOR TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO LIVE AND SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN WHAT YOU WORKED HARD IN SCHOOL, SPORTS, AND WORK FOR JUST BECAUSE YOUR IT'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOUR FAMILY. *EVEN* THOUGH IT'S *NOT* THEIR LIVES AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF CHOICES BECAUSE IT'S NOT THEIR LIVES. when you're capable of doing MORE but people refuse to acknowledge all the therapy, school, and living situations YOU'VE ALREADY lived at?! YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT AND DON'T TRY TO LIE TO ME AND SAY YOU WOULD BECAUSE AT LEAST PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU! IF YOU DICKS REALLY CARED FOR ME- YOU'D REALIZE ALL THE SHIT I'VE BEEN THROUGH JUST TO GET WHERE I AM AND I'M NOT STOPPING FOR YOUR FUCKING CONVENIENCE SO YOU APPEAR "CARING". MY GRANDMA WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY CARED FOR ME BECAUSE SHE RESPECTED THAT EVEN AFTER ALL THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN NEW YORK- I STILL WANT TO LIVE IN THE STATE. I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN THE SAME DAMN AREA AS MY ACCIDENT HAPPENED. I'M NOT GOING TO GO BACK IN MY DAMN PROGRESS IN THERAPY OR LIFE JUST TO MAKE MY RELATIVES WHO REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME UNLESS IT'S CONVENIENT AND/OR BENEFICIAL TO THEM HAPPY. i'll walk out in front of a car or train before i do that shit. this is a warning. i AM capable of it. i don't have anything else to lose anymore. it just baffles me how amanda is so okay with making her AUNT look like a LYING, OVERCONFIDENT old crazy lady by not doing the things she told her she'd do. if my grandma had wanted me ANYWHERE else OTHER than where I TRULY wanna live.. DON'T YOU THINK SHE WOULD'VE TAKEN ALL THE PRIVILEGES TO SPEAK FOR MYSELF AWAY? yeah.. that's what i thought, you're NOTHING but a lazy incompetent excuse of "support" like the REST of my family (except joe- who HAS actually came to see me here in st. paul and cared enough to check on me during my last SURGERY- DON'T SAY YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT EITHER BECAUSE I CALLED AMANDA AND HER MOM AND LET THEM KNOW I WAS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM TO NO RESPONSE). i'm just basically WASTING my time here. my family doesn't care about me but i think they have the idea that they'll be portrayed as "uncaring" if they allow me to move to another state. NO.. YOU ARE UNCARING BECAUSE IT'S TOO INCONVENIENT FOR YOU TO CHECK ON ME TO SEE HOW I AM AND HOW I'M FUCKING WASTING MY LIFE HERE. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET RESPECT OR CONTACT FROM ME THIS WAY. WHY DOESN'T MY MOM TRY PISSING ANOTHER BOYFRIEND OF HER'S OFF AND PUT MY OTHER SISTER IN FRONT OF HER WHILE HE KICKS HER?! this sounds crazy, right? WELL NOT TOO CRAZY OF MY MOM TO DO TO ME AS AN INFANT/YOUNGER CHILD. PROOF YOU ASK?! THE TWO SURGERIES I'VE HAD ON MY ABDOMINAL ORGANS (WELL- MY BOWEL AND INTESTINES..). i DISTINCTLY remember my grandma telling the story about when the doctor asked if i had been in any situations which caused trauma to my abdominal region and my grandma said she remembered when my dad was beating on my mom and he kicked her with me in her arms but she was turning with me in her arms and he accidentally kicked me- that was about the time when my grandpa got pissed off at him and chased him to mexico and that was the last time i seen him. MY MOM SHOULD'VE WENT TO MEXICO TOO, SO SHE COULD GO THROUGH ALL THE SHIT I'VE WENT THROUGH ON ACCOUNT OF HER NARCISSISTIC ASS.
OH GOOD LORD! SHE'S GONNA WORK ANOTHER JOB AND WE WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT HER AND/OR LAUGH AT HER ANYMORE FOR JUST RELYING ON SOCIAL SECURITY! AND I WON'T BE JUST LIKE MY MOMMY EITHER FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S FUCKING CONVENIENCE! *GASP* I DO HAVE MY OWN LIFE!